Dirty jokes
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A market researcher called at a house and his knock
was answered by a young woman with three small
children running around her. He asked her if she minded
replying to his questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his company,Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was
Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if
she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it,
she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer
was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because
everyone uses our product and they always say they use
it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but
I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've
been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use
it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a
Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for
him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the
army," the general said. "Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's
bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around
the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said,
"OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later,
a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes
after
that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes
into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the
screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something
comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!"
"You're sitting on the mop bucket!
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't
tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only
tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the
second time he fell off."
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she
said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and
respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach
me how to make a great lasagna."
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