AlltheJokes.com
The best humor! Dirty jokes and funny stories.

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for
what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.
About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again.
Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls
that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no
avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air
with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the
skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you know
anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "Fuck no! Do you know anything about lighting gas
stoves?"

One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence.
So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue,
the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors.
Another little boy raised his hand and said
"the leaves on the trees are absolutely green" the teacher said no,
they could be different colors at different times of the year.
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts,
the teachers said no, I don't believe so.
And Little Johnny said,
" well then I absolutely just shit in my pants!!!!"

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on
the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found
in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his
wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed,
straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to
move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and
hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a
woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you
feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told
me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom."

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her
apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones
on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the
afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please
describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain
suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally
when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued,
"we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the
apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all
that racket on the weekends?'