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Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New
York City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at
heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most
virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter
returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!" "What? All of
the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God. "No!" replied Saint Peter.
"The Pearly Gates!"

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his
regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it
has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to
his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after
the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop
drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me
how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even
how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked
his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were having breakfast. Sam said to Harry,
"Harry, why do you have a suppository in your ear?"

Harry took the suppository out, looked it over and said, "Sam, I'm really glad
you saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

A man and woman are riding up in an elevator.

The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

She replies, "Hell no!"

The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then."