AlltheJokes.com
The best humor! Dirty jokes and funny stories.

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one
night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what
had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all
ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Bill.

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and
his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Clinton.

The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing
like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.The husband has
his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no,"
you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should
I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like
you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and
WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes back
to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her
lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and
says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?"
asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your
husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing,
and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great,"the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and
swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the
lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some
simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me,
reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have
sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks
this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you
want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you
don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat. "How are
you, Richard?" asked George. "I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly
exhausted," replied Richard. "I've pulled a muscle, and it's killing me." "I'm
surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George. Richard
yawned and said, "Well, it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night."

My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the
express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to
her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and
said, "Not bad."